when do I get my own cute kids

I'm 25 and the number of failed relationships is rising. That's a fun statement to write. I'm really good at keeping friends. Really good at that. Or maybe they are really good at keeping me. Considering I have broken up every romantic relationship I have ever been in... I guess that's my problem. See, I'd like to, someday, not have to do that. I guess when it comes down to it I'm just not willing to stick with certain kinds of behaviors if it means I would potentially marry those behaviors. My friends I can love to death, and not have to make life decisions with on a daily basis. Plus I'm the friend with the disturbed life most of the time, so usually it is them that are glad they don't have to put up with me at every moment.  OK, I'm really not that dramatic but I am single, which complicates life in a different way than everyone else I know.  In my weak moments I do hate myself for it, because, like, why am I the single one still? I know there are plenty of people who aren't married at 25 and think nothing of it. But because I was raised Christian and most of the people I am surrounded by are still somewhat in this realm... I feel alone. It seems like a lot of people have found someone that they actually can stick with for more than six months. All I want is to share life with someone and have some cute kids. Sometimes I think I must not really want or it or I would have married the first man that ever cheated and lied. Yet somehow that doesn't seem like it would have been the right decision, even though it may have gotten me what I wanted. Cute kids.  I don't want to bring a bunch of cute kids into a terrible marriage, though, no matter how much I want them.

I know life is hard and complicated enough, and getting married and having kids just makes it more complicated. The hardest stuff you will ever do. But I also know it must be some of the most rewarding stuff, too. I feel it deep down. I know it would be that way for me. I'd like to get started right now, please.

Last year I started my Masters program. I ran the Chicago marathon. I started an awesome job that I love.

Just this month I got my first own little apartment, in my favorite neighborhood of Chicago, that's quiet, cute, and fun. It reminds me of home. It is a good place to call home. And my best friends are next door. Literally. I have the privilege to work from this home, a lot of people would kill for that. I'll graduate from my Masters program next summer. And get to live out one of my great purposes in life, one that I believe God has called me to even when I forget that He has.

My life is so good, so privileged, so blessed.

I was boohooing last night over some of these thoughts. Then I read the end of Philippians. Paul says, "I have learned the secret to being content..." Well, what the h-e-double hockey sticks is the answer, Paul, I'd sure like to know?

Peace. Peace in all circumstances. The Great Peace. The one we get only from God. That's contentment. I think I had this once, but I know I've loosened my grip on truly understanding it. I don't understand it like I used to because I doubt too much and life has weakened me. Failures and lost hope and unrequited love and pain have done their work and I forgot to dwell on good things instead of bad. My foundation doesn't feel as firm as it used to, but I know it's there...somewhere, and it was built long ago on the rock, so I know it's real and true and solid. I believe that.

I pray Shalom on my life and yours, too. I know that we are all broken, but that our wholeness is found in one that is not dependent upon us yet is always with us. I will try to remember and dwell in this completeness.

I'm imperfect for sure. If I didn't know that a few years ago I definitely know it now. And I bring these imperfections into everything and everyone, now. I guess we all do that. I have a lot of growing to do still. Maybe I will get to grow with someone, someday, and maybe I will get to have my own cute kids. I hope so. It's still hard for me to not feel shitty that I don't have that stick-with-it-ness that some people seem to have. In order for me to figure out what that's all about I will probably have to go to therapy. I'm a big believer in it. Job security.

This was more depressing than I meant it to be. I'm gonna work on being content, promise. Maybe even happy. And I'm going to try to think like this: "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Happy Saturday, friends. Signed, 

An ever-increasing believer in arranged marriage.