Wednesday, November 10, 2010

No title

My feet stand on level ground. Only because of you, Lord, do I have any ground to stand on. Without you I would be sinking, up to my head in sand that chokes my breath away. Do I have integrity? Do I have what it takes God? I lie down in your pasture and my soul is sweetly cradled, held on to by the shepherd of a pitiful flock. I cannot bear to know your presence, and yet I yearn to feel your touch; your tender, gentle hand resting on my shoulder. It is in that moment, and that moment alone that my heart will be satisfied. At your table will I sit, because of your honor and my disgrace. I know your peace that silences the storm, your voice that comforts the prostitute and your hand that heals without touch. My sorrow comes when I know that I am the whore, choosing others above you, hiding my face from you in shame and agony, and giving my pleasure away to my lovers of this world. What passions are these? That blow away in the wind like a dust cloud or a snow drift. They arise in lust one day and burn with disgust in my heart the next. That, which I hate the most, is what I become. My heart stirs in anger at myself, loathing my deceptive ways with the love of my life. Why have I turned against you? Where has my faithfulness gone? My righteousness is weaker than a flickering flame, adhering to the faintest wind. And so I must cling to your Son. He holds me, grasping on, and I cling back, like a babe at his mother’s breast. I am just that—a babe, weak and small. You are my source, take away my iniquities and forgive my transgressions. I do not understand the anger I stir in your heart but I do understand the grace that flows from Jesus’ blood. You are with me. We are one. And though I don’t deserve it, you gaze at me—my eyes fill and I weep. Return to me my joy, my hope that is in You. Search my soul and root me in your stream, plant me in your Word. Never will I know all of your mysteries, for you are far more glorious than I will ever comprehend. Let that be my comfort and not my fear. Thank you Father for the gift of life, for outside of You there is no life. Only death.


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