Saturday, October 9, 2010

Apparently I have a lot more time to blog than I thought

I'm sure this frequent posting syndrome of mine is the result of a few factors in my life. One: I just started this blog, so, I am posting often. Two: I am without a second job for the first time in a year. Three: I am single for the first time in a long time. Four: God and I have been talking a lot. Five: Senior year of college, although rather academic and full of projects, has left me with much more time on my hands than Junior year.

Anyway, I think I needed to write that out to justify to myself why I am blogging so much. I'm not sure why. Has anyone ever wondered if blogging was simply a technological imaginary friend? It seems like I am talking to myself. And that is all right, I don't know if I really want people reading my thoughts. I talk about my thoughts often enough that I get ample feedback. This is actually what I wanted to talk about in this blog.

One area I pride myself in (not a good pride) is my honesty and openness with others. I tend to make myself vulnerable for the benefit of others. I self-reveal so that someone can feel better about their life. Conversations will go something like this:

Friend: I feel really bad because I did "insert sin."
Emma: Ah? That's all? Don't feel bad. I did "insert worse sin."
Friend: Really? Wow! Thanks. I feel great.

That conversation is completely made up and not even accurate. Sin vs. Worse sin doesn't even exist. But, hopefully I made my point.

What I am realizing about myself, however, is that I am not all that honest. I am honest with what I want to be. And, truthfully, I am honest and vulnerable with things many Christians are not easily willing to admit or talk about. This is because I have had family and friends who have listened to my fears and deep failures in life and loved. And to them I will ever be grateful, for they have showed me what intimate union of the body feels like.

There are still many things people do not know about me. And that is OK. Everyone doesn't need to know every last detail about my personal life. But I have been questioning why I choose to be so open. I wonder if it is really for others gain or if it is only for my own. And another thought - the things I do choose to keep hidden, why are they hidden? Have they not been healed by God yet? Have I lied to myself and decided it does not matter what is in the past and people can assume what I have and have not done?

I do know there is sincerity in what honesty I do have. I have felt God take deep brokenness and heal with such speed and accuracy that I did not understand it. Philippians 4:7 describes a peace that surpasses understanding. I have felt that. I know that. I won't know how God could have taken something so bitter and terrible and turn it into feelings of joy and love for Him. So when I let someone know that the sin they are struggling with, or the hurt that they are trying to endure is "not really so bad", I only want them to know that all sin can be overcome. All brokenness can be restored. I do not think we truly believe that as Christians sometimes. Here is why I think God heals me so quickly:

When I understood for the first time that Christ and I are one flesh, it changed my outlook on life, on faith, on what it is to be Christian. The Holy Spirit brings Christ to dwell in us, and He and believer become united. I am His and He is mine. These aren't just things we say. So what does that mean when the Son of God and I are eternally, infinitely bound? What does it mean when I am always clutched in His hand? It means that when I choose to give things to Him - He takes them. Fully. Completely. When I say, "Forgive me, Lord." He does. Fully. Completely. Because when God looks at me, who does He see? He sees His Son - He sees the cross, the blood covering me. God does not look down at me disappointed and saddened by my pitiful life (and indeed He could and should if I didn't have Christ). God looks at me with love. With understanding. With grace. With forgiveness. With knowledge that I am a Saint.

I pass this message on to all who will listen because it is why I can be vulnerable, it is why I can talk of my past without fear of unforgiveness or regret.

This does not end my struggle with how much is too much, and the balance of what is good for others and what should be kept to myself. I pray that my openness will be used in a constantly more discerning manner. That God will speak through me, as I know He does, at just the right time. That my selfish desire to make people better on my own will not overcome the desire for people to know Jesus. Because He is the only person who brings ultimate healing to a soul.


Donna Boucher said...

When we share in our trials and how we have overcome...I believe it brings hope to those who are still in the midst.

Proclaiming that you are forgiven is powerful.
Feeling unworthy of forgiveness is a tool of Satan.
Knowing you are forgiven is freeing and true and transforming.

By living that strong faith you testify to what God does for you and what He offers to all.


Donna Boucher said...

p.s. I believe in regular blogging as ministry.
Blogging six days a week is a discipline....I pray, 'God what do you want me to talk about today."

Also. It doesn't have to be long and take a ton of time.
It can just be a quote or a scripture or a poem....whatever is on your heart.

Anonymous said...

i think this is wisdom, emma--to hide the self when it desires revelation. we are made to reveal Him and not ourselves.

every moment in which we feel the need to be known, we must ask of ourselves whom (or Whom) we are honestly and actually seeking to reveal; we must remind our needy hearts that we need be known--and indeed, are--by only One, Who, upon knowing us through, would have and love us still.

it is He, not we, Who must have every first and final word.

while i deeply want to affirm the wisdom of hiding the self, i balance by saying that your life--complete with scars of both defeat and of victory--is the canvass, the stage, upon which the Christ becomes manifest here among us. and so, by extension, to reveal your life is to reveal the Christ.

Emma said...

I appreciate the feedback - by revealing less of myself and focusing more on Christ, I really am wrestling with the selfishness that can come with self-revealing. Again, it is all about motive.

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