Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Of course you're all right. You're alive.

I watched Garden State this afternoon for the first time in ten years because I was determined it was going to become my favorite movie now. You can venture a guess as to why, or you may know. I'm not really sure if I'm ready to talk about it. Well, it may not be my favorite movie because it didn't have Sandra Bullock in an over-sized coat or looking mannish but somehow still adorable and attractive, which is exactly how I envision myself, I think. But it was pretty good as I remember, and I laughed and cried, because that was the plan going into it. To laugh and cry. So I did.

I was at one of my jobs today sitting at my desk feeling a little sorry for myself and drowsy and medicated and was getting ready to leave. Right at this moment a client of mine showed up and plopped down and decided we were going to have a session and because I selfishly needed the billable time, I agreed. It was also one of the most difficult hours of my life. Truly. It was near agony. It was painful, emotional, scary. And I've had some pretty nasty hours before, and will again, I'm sure. But you know what? We made it through. We made it through together.

I may have messed something up. I may not have said all the right things. I know I didn't. But I was there, and eventually, although far from perfectly and completely, even felt some empathy. I even felt true comradeship with a client for the first time. I was there with her, I was her. I knew her experience, and it was hard to bear. There are therapy-ish ways of saying what these things mean and they are complex and layered.... and all that came crashing down on me when I experienced it for the first time.

I'm not an addict, yet.

I'm not an abuser, yet.

I'm not depressed, yet.

I'm not mentally ill, yet.

I'm not divorced, yet.

I'm not on medicaid, yet.

I'm not homeless, yet.

But what if I was? Would I be worth it? Would anyone care about me? Whether I did it all to myself or some of it just happened because...that's life. Does that matter? How much? Does that determine your value? How much of a human you are?

On a whole new level I am learning that we are all close to our lives folding in on us, balancing precariously on perceived perfection and seeking acceptance, and one day may change our lives. One decision. One mistake. One appointment.

I interact with people all the time that many people view as crazy, dirty, poor, worthless, degenerates, stupid, addicts and at the very least annoying and not worth looking at or talking to. Now more than ever before I feel close to these individuals not just because I see them with my heart but because I am with them. I could be them. I am them.

And we're all alive. And to the God I believe in, that means we're worth it. My hand of cards I was dealt is a royal flush compared to some people's lives. I'm blessed. I don't feel like it right now and I want to be pissed off. But I'll try not to be, and I'll try to be grateful. I'll try to act with grace. Ha. I'll try.

Of course you're all right. You're alive.



Jiggs said...

youre amazing.

Donna said...

"And the soul felt it's worth"

I'm thankful you got thru your hard day. Love always Mom

Emma Boucher said...

@Jiggs - you're amazing. You know who is amazing? The wonderful women of faith over at my mom's blog. Sometimes I can't wait to be old(er).

@Mom - thanks. Love always.

Beth in the City said...

I'm sad about what you are going through. I read your mom's blog all the time! I'm 43. I've lived in Baltimore City 22 years. We attend an inner city church. The women I drive by on my school drop off run make me so very sad. Maybe they don't have a mom praying for them like I do. It's a small ministry but it's one I can handle in the midst of my life of mom to teens. I can pray for these women who break my heart. Line you did that hard therapy session. We can. But it's hard. Blessing and healing prayers for you.

kathy b said...

You are an amazing counselor Emma. I have no doubt people can open up to you because you are not judgmental. You see the soul not the body

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