realize

"Good God, child! What do you mean, you "don't know how to love"? Do you think any of us know how to love?!  Do you think anybody would ever do anything if they waited until they knew how to love?! Do you think that babies would ever get made or meals cooked or crops planted or books written or what have you?  Do you think people would even get out of the bed in the morning if they waited until they knew how to love?
You have had too much therapy. Or not enough. God knows how to love, Kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors."

Forget love. Try good manners.
--Vivi Abbot Walker
(Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood)

Vivi said it all, I'd say, in this letter she writes to her oldest girl child running away from engagement.  God knows how to love, Kiddo. The rest of us are only good actors. Do these words hit me hard, or what? Is anyone else feeling a punch to the gut that is taking their breath away? My heart both wants to squeeze away into itself and be released all at the same time. A sense of relief is felt, comfort. Comfort in knowing that no one really knows what they're doing. Even those actors that look so good, hair all slicked back, smiles that make you believe in love again, pregnant bellies and sickly sweet photos.  It could be real, it could. Some of it always is, and some is make believe... some will break.

Realize that it'll never be perfect, and it never should be, it can't be. So just stop. (This is my letter to myself). Get over it already, and you'll be happier, freer, God will be there with you, for you. If you judged yourself like you did everyone else, well you wouldn't like you very much at all. Realize how loved you are, realize you've got all the love you could need. Realize that you should get out of bed in the morning, even though you might not know what you are doing. People really don't, even when they say they do. And that's A-OK. You've got purpose, you've got life ahead of you, Kid. What are you waiting for?

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Everything I have been reading, from Ya-Ya's to Dr. Seuss, to C.S Lewis, to Scripture, to News clippings, points me towards a direction I have been scared to go, because I go on my own. Not alone-alone, but in-my-mind alone. God is with me, and friends, and family, and strangers along the way who will all point for me, push me, give me nourishment or a chat or a break for a good coffee. But I will decide. My mistakes, my joys, my highs, my lows, I know they will be mine. It feels huge right now, these words have such incredible weight. It's really gonna be one small decision, after one small decision, and then maybe a big decision, and then a small decision. They all matter.

How do I like my coffee? Black. Sometimes cream in the afternoon.
Who do I want to be when I grow up? A writer, a wife and mom, counselor-of-sorts.
Do I believe in God? I do, I believe in a maker of new things, a transformer of life, a relational God of the Universe who created us in His image, to be like him, to do justice and good and right by all.
What do I like? the sunshine, babies, eyes, nature, writing, reading, walking, running, moving, art, people, coffee, car rides, working with my hands in every way, the everyday-ordinary-details that God lives and breathes in and wants us to find Him. I love simplicity. I love laughter. I love the sound of crickets, and a really perfect silence. I love caring for others in the ways I do know how, and realizing that I am not acting in this moment. This is real.

That's my problem, I just need the purity of it all. And it can't always be, the motive can't always be just pure and just right. Sometimes we have to fake it, but when we know we're not, when we hear our heart singing out, well, I think that is just about the best feeling in the whole world. I know I can't have it all the time, but I'm after it. I hope you all are, too.