Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A not-so-compassionate moment

It's long overdue that I write something negative about myself. My self-awareness reveals all the icky parts about myself. I'm completely overwhelmed with how bad I am sometimes. If you really thought about it, you'd know you're bad, too. It's just the way we are. Thank God I have an identity not founded upon myself or anything other than Christ. He see's me in the end... perfected and complete in Him. I can't wait.

Here in Uptown, where Sher and I live with a specific mission and purpose with the Spirit guiding and protecting us, I find so much life. We have some beautiful dinners and some intimate conversations. We have some real friends here now. But I am still selfish. I am still controlling. And more than anything, I totally forget to be compassionate sometimes. This morning I woke up thinking about what I didn't do, and realized that Jesus probably would have done a very different thing. Of course, I don't really know.

Sitting in the dark of the living room at the front of our house, Sher and I watched X2. We're on a Superhero movie kick right now. Maybe because on the inside, we both feel a little like Superhero's ourselves. I love these movies because of the mixture of bad and good that is revealed in everyone. Terribly bad people do good things sometimes, and wonderfully good people do downright evil things sometimes, too. This is a truth I think very important to grapple with and understand.

During the movie, people were yelling outside our window - a normal, almost every day occurence - but then I heard someone throwing up. Still, this is not very strange for where we live. I paused the movie, though, and snuck over to the window. As I peaked out the window, I watched a guy strip down to an undershirt as he walked a few steps away from the group he was with and convulsed some more. He was almost right in front of our gate to our house, bent over, sick. We realized as we observed, that he was actually making himself throw up, and that as his vomit reached the sidewalk, he started picking up contents from the mess.

I don't know for sure, but it is assumed it was drugs swallowed for protection, and thrown back up to be used or sold later. Not soon after, I turned away from the window, and we quietly went back to finishing the movie. Soon I was distraced back in to the world of X-men fighting good and evil. Honestly, I hadn't felt much more than curiosity for that man outside my door.

Then I realized this morning, how horrifying my reaction was. My compassion unstirred, my heart untouched, I let him throw up at my front door, offering no cool rag or glass of water, no mint... nothing. Not even a prayer ran through my head last night that I can remember. I don't know if going out to him and the others would have been the safe thing, or even the right thing to do.

But the thought didn't even occur. As often as I allow God to work through me in a moment, the moments are far more often left alone, unused.

I am no Superhero whose abilities and powers are at the ready, always choosing to use them for good. I don't always get it right. Sometimes, I let the moment pass. Yet God continues to use us, because of our hearts. When our hearts are pure and right before Him, even when we mess up, He sees so much deeper, and so much further ahead. God does get it right everytime, and He will always love; always do good; always save the day.


Donna Boucher said...

He will eventually save the day...

I am glad that you can feel Gods love and acceptance ...many people can't feel that. It's our imperfectness that makes His greatness great.

murgatroidgerow said...

The Father's plan is so beautiful that when we even glimpse a piece of it we are changed.

Donna Boucher said...

His greatness is great without us. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Emma said...

He is great with or without us, but He reveals an amazing grace when He works despite and through or imperfectness :)

Donna Boucher said...

Thanks honey.

What she said.

Post a Comment