Friday, July 8, 2011

Seeking Shalom

When it comes to love, I'm not bad at it. Usually, I can look someone in the eye and love them through almost anything - when I look in their eyes I see past the anger, pain or sadness and see a human heart beating. Desperate cries of wanting to be accepted and seen are written on the faces of each and every person, no matter how "well-adjusted" or together they may seem.

I know. Cause I'm one of those people that looks put together. Why I'm capable of looking focused, driven and like I've got a handle on everything even when I don't - I'm not sure. On the inside, though, I'm a mess. If you want to know the truth, I'm really not that great at loving people. Even that is not what it appears, I'm learning.

Acceptance is a powerful tool, one that I've been naturally equipped with, yet acceptance is not the end-all of love. When I reflect on who in my life has loved me best and loved me wholly, they are people who have encouraged me and lavished kindness and praise; and called me out and questioned my motives and heart. How do we do this correctly? I have not figured it out yet. And until I do...I'm terrified to speak up. Maybe you don't really receive the gift of speaking truth in love until you're much older.

I've been hurt by dear friends who have not spoken well, even though I still learned something from the experience. In situations I have been faced with lately I don't think silence is the answer, but I'm feeling God stretch me thin. He is tugging on me in an area I don't feel ready to face at all. Praying for words spoken that are not my own.

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life" - Mumford and Sons

I'm trying my best to love. Pouring out your heart on a community, on a people, on relationships is hard. It takes everything you have. There is a very small part of me that understands why Jesus had to get away to His Father so often, being surrounded by crowds and people, intentionally or not, He needed time to pray, listen and in the end cry desperate tears of blood. Those times of meditation were crucial; and I'm not the type that likes to take a break. Intentional Sabbath needs to become just as important as intentional living in my life. Seeking Shalom.


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