Monday, October 25, 2010


I have the sense of feeling very small lately. Very unimportant.

And I think it might be a good thing.

God is reminding me that all that I do, all the things I do, all the projects I'm a part of and my academic honors and my jobs I work really don't make me anything more lovable in His eyes. Everything I do on the outside doesn't necessarily replicate who I am on the inside. For the most part, I do live my best inside and out and I try desperately not to separate the two. But even this past weekend I was humbled by my past mistakes and regret and sadness bubbled up in my heart. Even new pain was formed, and a realization that I project onto people what I have made myself or been made into by others. I continue to unearth depth and understanding, and God is giving me His wisdom. I just feel a little lost in the process.

I apologize for this being all thought and no story to relate to - I just don't have time, and I also don't think all that happened should be said. I know my life, whether it amounts to nothing or something, is for God's glory and I also know He loves me. Oh, and I know He exists. And I am not in control.

Good. I needed to reconfirm some things that I actually know, because at the moment I feel as if I know nothing.

Like I said, I think it is good. Just hard. My heart and mind are being completely torn down and reconstructed. God help me.


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